tales from the surviving straight spouse

 I love son #2 – like I love all of my children.  Anyone who meets son #2 loves  him – but also quickly realizes that he is significantly delayed.  He is endearing, sweet, innocent and persistent.  He has two speeds – ludicrous speed and nearly asleep,

Last night was the annual physical for son #2. The physical was going really well – even the physician said it was going really well.  I hate that.  I don’t hate that the physical was going well – I hate that the physician had to comment.  Though you may have no belief in patterns or the metaphysical – I believe that almost every time someone has pointed out how well things are going for me a near disaster has occurred.  Coincidence – yes, probably.  I think though that every time I hear someone use a phrase – “but that rarely happens” when speaking about me our my sons…it ends up happening.  After all – we are a 1 in 2+ million occurrence – for us, rare is a 100% occurrence.

After Dr. Cutey checked almost everything out – it was time for the scrotum check.  Son #2 was nervous and silly.  He has an IQ that is in the range of 44-64 depending on the tester and the day of the week.  To me, his mental processing is in about the 4 year old range.  So any doctor who wants to check out his crotch is going to make him giggle.  Unfortunately there was nothing to laugh about.

Dr. Cutey started to pull down the front of his underwear and stopped, “Have you seen this?”

“Seen what?”

“He is shaved.”

I’m sorry, what the FUCK did you just say to me?  “Excuse me?”

“I’m not going to examine him right now, but from what I can see he is shaved.”

Did you just fucking say that my 15 year old who has the mind of a 4 year old has a shaved scrotum?  You are FUCKING kidding me.

“Son #2, how did that happen?”

“My brother did it,” he says.

“Didn’t you say no?”

“Yes, I told him no, but he kept doing it.”

I want to throw up.  I want to scream.  I want to punch the wall.  My mind feels like it is folding in upon itself one half at a time, half, then another half, then another half and it is getting smaller and smaller and smaller.  I just can’t imagine what else could possibly happen in my life.

“Where did this happen?”  Cause I sure as hell didn’t see a mound of pubic hairs in my bathroom this past week.

I tell the pediatrician about my concerns about what goes on over at their father’s house – the lack of concern about porn, the television shows and DVDs that the kids are watching and have access to.  I am sure that the pediatrician will be calling child protective services.  Something is really wrong.

“Well, I think this needs further investigation.  Why don’t you look into it and call me tomorrow morning?” Dr. Cutey suggests.

Wow.  I am stunned.  If this was a child coming from a residential program or a child of color the doctor would be stepping out of the office to call right away.

“I’m not a trained investigator.  It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to investigate what is going on.”  I try to be sly – try to make him realize that he has an obligation to help me protect my son.  It isn’t working.   Once again…

A Voice Cries Out in the Desert –

I am not a prude.  I am not a shrew.  This is a real concern.  It becomes obvious that I am again encountering a person of authority who just doesn’t want to ‘stir the pot’.  I am alone as usual and I feel like I am experiencing an altered reality.  Is nobody here?  in this moment? with me?   Am I nuts?

I tell Dr. Cutey that last weekend Son #2 had an erection and started shaking his hips at me, laughing and saying “I’ve got cocks and balls, I’ve got cocks and balls.”  Who wants their developmentally disabled son saying things like that, behaving like that?   I tell Dr. Cutey that son #2 tells me that DD taught him to call his penis that.  Dr. Cutey shrugs his shoulders.  He tells me to take a look for myself at son #2’s shave when I get home and again asks me to call him when I find out more information.

I am defeated.  I don’t know who to turn to.  If I call child protective services again – they will begin to believe I am just harassing DD and have no real issues.  If I don’t call something really bad could happen to son #2.

On the way home from the pediatrician, son #2 tells me that “Daddy watched while he was being shaved.”  I gag.  I sob.  I scare my innocent child.  He starts to become upset.  He wants to know if he is in trouble.  I assure him that he is not in trouble.   I call the son that was accused of shaving his brother.  He denies he did it, swears up and down. He asks to come over to speak to son #2.  I tell him that that won’t be necessary.

I tell son #2 that his brother denies that he shaved him.  I know that this process is wrong.  I feel hopeless.  Son #2 begins to retract his statements.  He insists that he shaved himself.  He asks to get in the shower.  I ask if I can see where he was shaved.  He pulls down his pants and he is completely shaved.  The growth is about 3-4 days worth.  I am reeling.  Son #2 gives a giggle and tells me it itches and he doesn’t like it.  I want to cry – but don’t want to upset him.

I call DD on his cell, no answer.  I call him at his home and the baby sitter picks up.  I tell her to have DD call me as soon as he gets home.

I get a call after 9.  DD is perky.  He wants to know what’s up.  I tell him that the appointment with the pediatrician didn’t go as well as I thought it would.  I tell him that son #2 has gained 35 pounds this past year and has only grown 3 inches.  I tell him that the doctor would like us (YOU, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE) to help son #2 make healthier eating choices.  DD grunts an okay.

I tell DD that the most concerning part of the doctor’s visit was finding out that son #2’s groin is clean shaven.


“Your kidding.  How did that happen?”

I explain that son#2 said he did it at you house.  That son #2 initially accused one of his brother’s of doing it.  I tell him that son#2 said you watched him.

“You don’t believe that, do you?  I keep my razor in my room.  It’s not even in the bathroom.”

I explain that son #2 told me that he got the razor from your room.  I demand to know what is going on at the house.  I tell him my concerns about what he allows the kids to watch.  He denies that the kids watch anything inappropriate.  I tell him that the kids have repeated verbatim parts of scripts from these shows.  I tell him that I have parental protection on my channels and ask him if he does as well.  He insists he does.  I tell him that I am going to call the school nurse.

“There is no need to do that.  I don’t want people asking me a bunch of questions.  I’m sure this is just a fluke.”

No, it’s not a fluke – it is a symptom of what is wrong with you.  First, son #2 is an imitator.  He would only think to shave his scrotum if he saw someone else shave his scrotum.  Second, son #2 has significant fine motor issues, if he had shaved himself, he would have cut himself to pieces.  There isn’t a scratch on him.

“I still don’t know how this happened.  We shouldn’t bring it up with the school.  If they find out then we can deal with it.”

I am thankful that we aren’t speaking in person.  My brain has started to unfold and now it is expanding to it’s maximum cranial capacity.

The last secret DD wanted me to keep was that he is sexually attracted to men – and we all know the results of that fantastic adventure.

This morning I called son #2’s school nurse.  She was dumbfounded.  She asked if she could speak with the counselor and would let me know what the next steps were.

I call Dr. Cutey.  I tell him that I believe that it is impossible for son #2 to have done this to himself.  I tell him that it is impossible for son #2 to have thought of this himself – he has no facial hair and has never needed to shave.  I tell Dr. Cutey that son #2 once saw me shaving my legs (I was dressed in shorts and doing a touch up) – and two days later son #2 comes down the stairs with numerous nicks on each leg.

Dr. Cutey tells me that he has decided not to call Child Protective Services.  He tells me that we should wait a few weeks to see if the hair grows back.

Once again, I find myself thankful that I am not speaking in person with this guy.

Well, of course the hair will grow back – what are we waiting for – some fantastic sign that something isn’t right? – because a shaved scrotum is typical.

Dr. Cutey tells me that lots of teenage boys are shaving their scrotums.  I tell him that son #2 is not sexually active or a swimmer – and he would have no idea that a scrotum could be shaved.

Dr. Cutey tells me he’ll speak to me in a couple of weeks.

I wait to hear from the school.

Then I file a motion with the courts.  I am not over reacting.  This is weird and somebody should have my back.

Comments on: "She’s a mad, mad, mad, mad mom." (5)

  1. the bunni said:

    Jeezus, L. I’d be throwing stuff. Court would be the least of this guy’s concerns. And yes. Somebody should have your back. The doc should have CPS’d DD.

  2. felixfemina said:

    It seems that mandatory reporters have become non-reporters. I was told by physicians and social workers how abusive I was to “allow” certain things to happen in the father/son relationship, but nothing was ever reported. I was right there when my son, wo had just attempted suicide, told the cops why he did…nothing…no report. But, I was told that I wasn’t doing enough if my son was suicidal, but, with all this ‘shared’ custody and often only one parent being in control of the insurance (courts can’t order insurance companies to cooperate with both parents, who owns a policy owns a policy –it allows/encourages abuse by proxy) I was being blocked. It isn’t right, and it’s insanity to watch the primary events and gradual personality changes/results and have no power to stop it all, just the constant work to prevent as much damage as possible. Still…it takes Herculean effort just to keep from gagging…much less keep all the balls (sorry) in the air.

  3. jeeeeesuz….
    this is wrong on so many fronts. I’m ashamed of a fellow healthcare worker NOT reporting…

  4. Devastating and heartbreaking. I’ll be praying for you and your family. There is no easy answer to what you are facing and fighting.

  5. Just me said:

    1. Coincidentals don’t exist unless by chance conspiracy. 1a. Even the paranoid have friends. 1b. Hello friend. 1c. You’re nutzzzz… for loving life or at least making do while trying to make it just a little better for others while some regard it their solemn duty to screw us over. 1d. Certain doctors also need to be reported. 1e. A basement is a multifunctional environment suitable for even hanging ex-husbands upside down. 1f. As it turns out, Republicans haven’t screwed up (over) life insurance, yet. 1g. Wishing upon a star that a certain ex-husband has lots of it. 1h-y. It’s possible that The End can have a semi-happy ending. 1z. Life insurance benefits are non-taxable.

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