tales from the surviving straight spouse

What is Fair?

Sometimes it feels as if nothing is ever fair.

I sought out one of the most visible representative of individuals with special needs in our community.  I told her the story.  I wasn’t looking for sympathy or even support.  I was looking to see what my options are.

She told me that I needed to tread carefully.  She told me that I should think carefully before I go any further.  She told me that she knows I’ve always been challenged by son #2 and that I should think before I try to destroy the closest bond he has in his life – his bond with DD.  She told me how amazing DD is and how she thinks sometimes he fakes his level of patience.  I remind myself that this women has only seen them when they are out in public for about 15 minutes at a time.  She tells me that DD has come to her numerous times to speak about what is going on  between us post marriage.  I think of all the people DD has paid to care for our children because he is busy with extra curricular activities.  She tells me that I could be sued and lose the kids.  She tells me to definitely not contact any authorities because I could be ruining so many lives.  I remind myself that DD left his business plan for starting a gay porn website out on the kitchen table for his children to see.  I think, this is the same woman who could not understand why their father kept leaving them alone unsupervised.  Now, she is telling me that DD is fantastic and that I need to get along with him for the sake of the children.  I wonder when she began sipping the DD Kool-aid.

Finally she tells me that she firmly believes that son #2 shaved his own scrotum, since she knows a child with special needs who has done some really strange almost kinky things.  That child is now in college and has had a girlfriend, my son can barely read and doesn’t even know what sex is.  What a fantastic comparison.

There is not much I can do now.  Sure I can file a motion in court.  I can request a psycho-social, psycho-sexual evaluation – but on what grounds?  That son #2’s scrotum was shaved?  I have no other official organization backing me up and that gives DD all the ammunition he needs.  No word from Child Protective Services.  The pediatrician spoke to DD .  The pediatrician told DD that son #2 wasn’t hurt.   Amazing that  the pediatrician can see through pants – because once he started to pull down son #2’s pants and saw that his upper groin was shaved, he got nervous and pulled them back up.  The pediatrician told ME to go home and look at my son’s scrotum.  He told ME to investigate and get back to him.  The school nurse told me she would speak to the counselor and get back to me.  The counselor told DD that no one ever spoke to her – “so it must not be an issue”.

I am so tired of the balance being against me.

Comments on: "What is Fair?" (4)

  1. felixfemina said:

    In all the years I went through this, I never found that anyone cared about fair. They cared about their jobs, they cared about looking impartial, they cared about $$$ and self preservation….period. It drove me crazy. It drove my kid crazy. Now we work most on how not to see our self worth as a reflection of society and its so-called watch-dogs. We are worth much, much more than that.

    There are people who care.
    There are people who don’t care.
    We don’t get to place them on the board.
    Strategy eludes…


  2. thebunni said:

    I see many bizarre things as part of my work life. I accept the possibility that anything can happen; water can run up hill if it rains hard enough. But my index of suspicion skyrockets under circumstances such as you describe.

    Denial of the blatant, especially by the community, especially by self-appointed “authorities” and those we hire to enforce our laws, is one of the most frustrating aspects of what I deal with. I don’t know if these people honestly believe their denials or if they’re just so fried by this stuff that they flat would rather ignore reality.

    Regardless, we see what we see. Some cop or case worker saying there’s no premise for action does not give us permission to unsee the that which confronts us.

    And yet there is so much pressure to go along with the crowd.

    So I read your entries and pray for you son’s safety. I can never praise enough your courage and your love for him. — SB

  3. Thanks, SB – I was feeling defeated until this afternoon.

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