tales from the surviving straight spouse

I can’t think.  I hardly focus on my work.  I confess to only picking the easy kids to work with – not the ones who are working their way towards personality disorders.  I don’t have anything to give.  I am drained by these past few weeks.  I am not over reacting.  I am not crazy.  I am not mean spirited.  This is not normal.  This is not acceptable and I will not sit down and let it pass.  It is exhausting, though and the mind begins to play tricks.

Every now and then I get a boost – a reinforcement that though this path is lonely and dark – it is true.  Yesterday, son #2 tells me that “you can’t just shave it – you have to cut it with scissors first because it is too long.”  A kid who can’t remember what comes after 12 figures out the logical steps for shaving a scrotum all on his own.  NO WAY.  I won’t ever believe it.    I stop asking questions.  I don’t want to push and I know it isn’t healthy.  I want the professionals to do their job.

I know first hand what accusations of sexual abuse can do to a family.  I know that it is not something that is to be taken lightly.   I am not looking for trouble or trying to hurt anybody.  I just want an answer.  I want my son to understand what is acceptable, safe and healthy sexual behavior.

I have met only two people besides DD who think son #2 acted alone – the magnificent member of our community and the case worker from CPS.  Yes, you just read correctly the case worker from CPS.   That isn’t going to stop me, though.  Thanks to all of you who rallied around me and gently pushed me to go, go, go.  I did not give up.  There is no going back from this.  There will be no civility between son #2’s father and I – it just won’t be possible.  It never was – but I always kind of hoped  – in a sad pathetic way that he would understand why I divorced him and that we could be good friends for the sake of our kids.   (the true definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – as a good friend said – it AIN’T gonna happen)

I haven’t heard back from the Kidlaw child advocacy center.  The Fragile X expert in Staten Island tells me that I have done all I can – she asks that I please give her an update if anything changes.  I feel beaten.  I think of one last person I can call and I pick up the phone with a heavy heart – will I be “Oh for 6”  in looking for answers for my son?

I called the psychiatric nurse practitioner from the Division of Developmental Disabilities to explain the situation and ask for help.  She asked me if son #2 could have plucked his pubic hair out – a common behavior for kids with Fragile X is to pluck out hair due to  nervousness or sensory issues.  It is a good question – not like any I have been asked so far.  I said that he never has plucked hair or picked at scabs or anything like that.  She has known son #2 since he was 6 years old.  I like her – she is a very good, understanding, non judgmental person – at least that is what I see.  She says that it is strange, but out of her area of expertise.  This is another good sign – she is not willing to just “let it go.”  She tells me to call the number for the sexual abuse clinic for children.  She said they will be able to answer my questions.  She didn’t just pass the buck – she gave me options.  I feel safe.  I feel sane.  I see a kernel of hope wobbling in my soul trying to bust it’s shell – something good may begin to grow.  I want to smack my forehead – HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I REFERRED OTHER FAMILIES TO THAT PROGRAM?!!!??

I am afraid.  I know that this program will ask about CPS, will ask who is our case worker and want to contact the case worker.  I don’t want the case worker to get angry with me. I know the police already called her – to just “check in” .  I also know that nobody likes anybody to do their job.  CPS can ruin lives – I’ve watched it happen.  I believe that I could be ‘made to pay’ for getting overly involved in the case.  I still can’t understand why when son #2 told the CPS case worker that he and DD were in the bathroom being silly that the worker didn’t insist on him staying with me and arrange for a further investigation.  Instead she informed me that she would need to speak with DD and get more information.  I haven’t heard from her since she spoke with DD last Wednesday.  Like Moglie from the Jungle Book – she looked the snake in the eye. I am sure she fell under his spell.  In fact, I know she did.

I called the the center and explained the situation.  She checked her computer for a referral for an evaluation for son #2.  She found none and found that to be strange.  She asked for the name of the CPS worker and said she would call the worker to discuss the situation.  I said that I was concerned that the worker would see me as meddling in her job.  I explained that I just wanted answers and I don’t think that anyone is willing to look at son #2’s developmental disabilities and the events.  That is a significant piece of this situation.  The woman tells me that she is going to call the CPS worker and then call me back in the afternoon.

I get a voice mail from the CPS worker – she sounds mad – she asks that I call her back.  I am now a little scared-er!  I decide to do a little research first.  I call the women from the sexual abuse clinic for children.  She tells me that she spoke to the CPS worker.  She told me that she had to explain to the CPS worker that I was not being vindictive and that this is not typical behavior for a child who has special needs.  She arranges for a evaluation and interview.  She tells me to expect a phone call from the CPS worker – that the CPS worker is going to speak to her supervisor.  I am overjoyed.  I can’t imagine that CPS will ignore the recommendations of the EXPERT program in child sexual abuse in this geographic area.

I don’t care if the CPS worker is angry.  I don’t care if the expert in the area thinks I should just back off.  I don’t care if DD is squirming.  He should squirm and he should be ashamed for not wanting to find out what happened to his son.

I am 2-7.  Not great odds – but I’ll take them.

Comments on: "In the Fog a Light Begins to Glow" (6)

  1. denise petersen said:

    sending MAJOR JUJU! 2 out of 7 is okay if it gets the show on the road! i know a 24 year old with fragile x, and his family, and i know that this could not, would not be possible for him to do. if you need an advocate, his mom would go to bat for you in a heartbeat! i am cheering for you! xoxo

  2. Does your son by any chance play a game online called Moshi Monsters? Just wondering because I did a ‘challenge’ on there the other day which involved cutting a monsters hair – you had to try using a shaver first, but that broke, and the guide said ‘you have to cut it first because it’s too long.’ Then in the game you to to look for the scissors…. It was just a thought.

  3. smallsatori said:

    you are my hero! I so wish there was something useful I could do….

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