tales from the surviving straight spouse

What is it about Porn?

I wish I could be a guy for a few days.

I’d like to start out at age 12 for the first day and then progress along to puberty.

I want to feel that visual-groin connection of a male to see if it is that same that I feel when I look at someone sexy.

I wonder if a man’s mind wanders like mine does, when I am watching something sexy.

A good friend revealed that sometimes she wonders if the woman is really enjoying the sex when she is watching porn.

I wish to be a male strictly because of porn.

I’ve caught my 13 for the third time watching porn or something close.  I understand his curiosity, I really, really do.    I wanted to know what a “thing” looked like when I was 14.  Of course, we had a male dog – so I had a slight clue – not a very accurate one, but his nickname wasn’t “Dang – er” because he was minuscule.  My brother started to nickname him dangler, but my mom put a stop to that,

There are so many things that bother me about this.

Son#3 and I have had this discussion twice before – pictures are great – photographs, fine…porn movies, no.  I think porn wires the brain and the younger the brain the greater the chance of something  becoming hay-wired.

Am I turning this into a pathology – has a once simple curiosity now become something that is thought to be in secret?

My conversations, discussions and concerns have no weight because, as he so succinctly stated,

we watch whatever we want at Dad’s house

I feel like all of the prophecies of DD are coming true:

“you are breaking up our family and it will destroy our children”

I currently carry around a lot of guilt.  Those words echo in my ear.  If I was with our kids full time this would not be happening – there would be no two household competition, I also would have completely lost my mind.

I thought if I would be healthier if I divorced.  Either way I feel lost.  Either way, my life seems like it is murky swirl of deceit and vileness.

I am left to being the bad parent – the one who sets limits, the one who has expectations, the one who prefers to be with the kids instead of hiring a sitter.

I think of this book I am reading and am grateful that it was recommended to me.

I was and am the perfect stooge to DD’s behaviors.  I bend over backwards to help others and to avoid confrontation.  I trust.  I trust every single time because I want to believe that the world is full of good people.

It isn’t.

I’d like to send a strong message to son #3 – but we’ve already had conversations, I’ve already revoked privileges.  Last time he was caught in this same lie, his father took him out for a new suit the following morning and they went to an amazing formal party together a few days later.

I love son #3 so much.  Everyone who meets him thinks he is amazing.  He is a peer leader at his middle school.  He has been selected 2 times for the highest honor at summer camp for personal character.  And yet, he sneaks porn after being asked not to and he lies about it.  I am deeply concerned that his behaviors are beginning to mirror his father.  Lying to me has apparently become no big deal for son #3, just like it was no big deal for his father.

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