For me the wind is blowing hard and the earth is shaking.
I am making my way, moving forward when possible and standing perfectly still when needed – like the straight staring into the face of manipulation and lies.
Today is son #2’s sexual abuse evaluation. I had to pick a Thursday because it was the only available appointment with the doctor I wanted. Unfortunately Thursday is not my day of visitation.
Child Protective Services sent out a letter to myself and DD stating the date, time, name of doctor, type of evaluation and the location of the office.
I hadn’t heard from DD about the evaluation, so yesterday we had the usual confrontational text messaging:
can I pick up Leo at 1:30 for his dr’s appointment tomorrow?
What appointment is that? You just took him to DDD(Division of Developmental Disabilities) on Monday.
it is with the CPS doctor for an evaluation. You met with the CPS worker and she sent out letters.
I haven’t talked to the CPS worker. I never got a letter. (pants burst in to flames) I thought we were working to get CPS the fuck out of our lives. Did you make this appointment? Did you set this up?
CPS made the referral and I made the appointment. Here is the drs. number, call and find out what it is about.
My thoughts are evil: Hah! yes – go ahead and call. Call and ask the sex abuse center why your son is going there. Have them ask you why you haven’t heard from CPS. Tell them why you don’t think your son needs to be seen. Show them your lack of concern about this situation – and yes, even your fear that people will ask the right questions. I am uncomfortable with my thoughts, but I am tired of having my back against the wall and only being able to watch the craziness continue to unfold.
A little while later I get a text message from DD
I rearranged my schedule. I will take son #2 to this evaluation.
This is important. I will meet you there.
I will not be bullied and I will not turn back. Whether I get to speak to the doctor alone or not – I am going to speak up.
I don’t know how much more I can stand, though. I don’t believe in the ‘system’ and my beliefs are justified. I can only fight for so long and with so much. It has been six years – 23 if you count the entire time I’ve known DD. The first 2 years were defending him to my family because they had a bad feeling about him. The next 12 years were trying to make a marriage work that couldn’t. Then there were the 3 years of total heartbreak and chaos during the separation and the divorce. I am tired, very tired. DD’s anger is only increasing because I haven’t just gone away and I haven’t fallen apart like he predicted I would.