I arrived first at the evaluation center. DD came breezing in, happy as a clam. Son #2 followed him looking anxious and nervous.
I am unable to think at this point – right now – as I write this. Not then at the doctor’s office. I thought clearly.
Dr. H. asked to speak to DD and I together. I told the story. Dr. H. expressed disbelief that nobody felt that CPS should be called. I felt a glimmer of hope. DD looked smug and pointedly said to me “Didn’t you believe that it might be someone at his school?” He leaned forward when he said this with a glowing smirk. I felt ill.
I explained that I felt it could have come from anywhere – and that Son #2 himself said that he had done it at his father’s house.
His dad stated that he checked son #2 yesterday morning and he was again shaved clean. He said that son #2 told him that he is doing it at his mother’s house and that he got the razor out of my drawers. I said that I did not keep razors in my drawer.
The doctor wanted to know why DD was checking son #2’s pubic area. DD explained that he was very concerned about this and that he was checking every time son #2 came from my house.
I wanted to puke.
The doctor said nothing.
The doctor proceeded to ask some more questions and then he asked DD to get son #2 so that he could speak to Leo alone.
While he spoke to Son #2 alone I went to the bathroom and scribbled a note on the paper towel. Can I please speak to the doctor without his father present? I pretended that I could not find my insurance card and spoke to the receptionist and gave her the note. She looked over my shoulder at DD. She nodded her head. I went and sat down.
DD asked if I had given any additional paperwork to the receptionist – I said that I thought I had left my insurance card with her.
When the doctor came to get DD for son #2’s physical exam, he escorted DD back to the room and came and got me. He didn’t say anything, so I just followed him.
I spoke about the porn, I spoke about the movies. I spoke about DD’s reaction. I spoke about what son #2 had learned from him regarding “cocks and balls”
He took notes. He said to me that these things are complex and complicated. He said that there wasn’t much they could do, that there is no indication of sexual abuse. He said that he asked son #2 if he had seen pictures of naked people and son #2 said no.
He said that DD and I obviously have some tension between us. He said that he will emphasize that son #2 is vulnerable and provide some literature to us. He said there is nothing that can be done. There is nothing to indicate that either parent is involved.
I sit quiet and still, my eyes blowing up to my forehead. I can barely swallow whatever it it that has grown in my throat. The doctor gets up and leaves. He examines son #2 with DD present and then invites me back into the exam room and tells son #2 to go to the waiting room.
I listen to the doctor’s admonishments about what son #2 should and shouldn’t be exposed to. I listen to him remind me and his father that son #2 is very vulnerable and easily manipulated and therefore needs very healthy and safe information about sex.
DD’s face gets red with anger and he says nothing. The doctor says thank you and good bye. DD looks obviously relieved.
We all walk out together. I give son #2 a hug and a kiss. He asks me where I am going. I tell him I am on my way home.
I watch them walk out. I don’t cry. I don’t scream even on the inside. I tried.