tales from the surviving straight spouse

Almost 8 months

I post from my phone today.  I am very empty.  The weekend was a whirlwind of disappointment and happiness. 

I find that I want to get off the carousel. BF had a gig and the chaosquad came to see him.  I have many good things in my life.

When I had my children, my only wish was for them to know who they are, be good citizens (resistent to the masses, but respectful of differences and laws that made sense), love themselves and then love those present to them. 

I have had to come to the conclusion that I cannot do that anymore.  On  June 9th, I discovered my youngest son who is 12 watching an adolescent gay porn threesome.  He was unphased when he handed me his iPod while the video was playing.  For 10 minutes he was watching a young man give another man a blow job while receiving anal sex.  He handed me his iPod as if he was watching iCarly. 

I reached out to prosecutor’s office.  They attacked my ability as a mom and asked why I would let this happen.  They told me to call child protective services.  I did, again.  The case worker assured me that he would speak with their father and that all if this would stop.  I reached out to the FBI.  They took some information and told me to keep an eye on my kids.

By August 7th, my son was texting boys and girls and his brothers asking them if they want to have sex.  His older brother revealed to me that his young brother was kissing him in his private parts.  I called the FBI.  They told me to call child protective services.  I did, again.

The supervisor of my county came to my house.  She asked me why I kept calling them.  She told me I needed to communicate better with their father who loves porn and feels there is no issue.  She told me that brothers performing felatio on each other is typical behavior.  Even if one has Down Syndrome and the other has Fragile X Syndrome.  She told me I needed to do a better job as a parent and not to use them to help me. 

It was at this point that I have decided to speed up my plans to leave the area.  This has been crazy making and I am holding on by a thread.

If I am rendered impotent in the lives of my chuldren, I will not be forced to watch the way they are developing.

I am a quitter and I am sorry for that. 

Comments on: "Almost 8 months" (1)

  1. Sometimes caring less means more in the end.
    Sometimes being a quitter sends messages that sticking with it doesn’t send.
    It’s like chuckling through Les Miserables so that people wonder what you’re up to.
    I’m a Wool Socks And Birkenstocks kinda person and had to grow logging gaffs on both feet to parent this kid that has a whole different operating system under his head.
    I hated it, I hate it, and… that IS a point…what happens to a mother whose natural reward system has been screwed by that different operating system? (four different operating systems, or, at least three in your house)

    You have a long way to go. Take a break. We know darned well that love is not all you need and it’s not all you need to get the job done. Sanity is much better than getting one hot shower a week. But I think another secret is that there is a long time between childhood and real adulthood – that time in between is a true battleground for lots of youngsters/young adults. We are never ever going to change that.

    Love you.
    Z

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