tales from the surviving straight spouse

Archive for the ‘Healing Hope’ Category

Turning it back

What was it?

when he said his posts weren’t about me, then admitted they were about me, then insisted he never said they were and I needed to stop thinking everything was always about me.

when he told me what I meant, what I felt and told me I should go to therapy to get healed.

when he insisted he didn’t mean that I needed to go to therapy to get healed, he just said it.

when he called my kids fat and lazy.

when he couldn’t finish the projects he started around the house, projects I never asked him to do, but he felt I needed done.

when he sat around all day doing nothing, while I worked, then asked me what I was gonna make for dinner that night.

when he told me we needed milk and I don’t drink milk.

when he asked if I was allowed to eat those cheez-its.

when he said fat girls are usually better at blow jobs, they kind of have to be.

when he said I don’t have time to get you anything, I’ll be right back I need to pick up something for this other person I know.

when he said he would never date again, but had someone lined up before he left.

when he said I needed to change my hair, my clothes, my size.

when he said weight didn’t matter to him and I was imagining it.

when he said it was okay for people to disrespect me and I needed to get over it.

when he wouldn’t take his dog, who had to be euthanized.

when he said he was heartbroken because his dog was euthanized.

when he said he knew this would happen with his dog.

when he said his job was to be naked and buff and mine was to be wet.

when he said I couldn’t be his friend because I didn’t know how, because I said we were just getting lunch and it wasn’t gonna be naked/buff/wet day.

when he said people must wonder how a person who looks like me, could get a man who looks as good as he does.

when he made my children cry.

when he ran to his room, slammed the door and told my 18-year-old to “go away, I’m not talking to you”

when he told me I did a good job, and I didn’t even need his help.

when he took me away for my birthday, but needed to play games on his kindle and phone.

When was it?  It always was, I just needed to wake up and realize me and my children really do deserve better.  As a therapist, I am the perfect target, my entire life is about believing people can change.  If someone keeps telling me how hard they work and how much they change I want to believe them.  I am guilty of wanting to believe.  Have I stopped believing?  No, I just stopped believing him.


Let This Day Pass On

I couldn’t begin to tell you the swarm of emotions that flow through me right now.

Completely joyful, (heh) and completely ready to cry.  I guess I picked the right name for this blog.

If you came to this blog to read about life after divorcing a frustrated, self loathing, outward projecting, still closeted, very much Catholic gay man, well – JACKPOT.

I can’t say that the pain goes away completely.  I can say that with really hard work there are very sunny days and hope begins to dance on your doorstep.

How?  Everyone wants to know how do you heal and how do you move on.  If your DD is like my DD, the healing can be slow and tedious…the moving on is easy.  The strange contradiction is that it’s harder to move on when someone treats you nicely, but easier to heal.  DD’s continuous attempts to play cat and mouse with me has made it very easy to move on.  I have no lingering ‘what ifs’ or ‘sigh, I could have made this work.’   So, I moved on very quickly, but healing has taken much longer.

How to heal in 8 steps (yeah, right)

  1.  Discover Yourself, completely.  You know who you are and what you’ve been through.
  2. Don’t date just to feel wanted, want yourself first.
  3. Know the warning signs, so you don’t get fooled again.  Even if your next guy isn’t gay, obviously you are susceptible to deceit and trust me, they see you from a mile a way, as if they can hear your huge heart beating.
  4. If you fall again, that is the universe telling you to wait, find happiness in your solitude.  It isn’t time to pair with another.
  5. Be picky.  If anyone in your circle of friends and family begin to bring you down, continue to harp on how much you were fooled and used, provide ridiculous platitudes such as “I knew it from the very beginning”, or “How the hell did that happen”  GET AWAY.  Find your cave and decorate it with your love for yourself.
  6. Speaking of caves, turn your bedroom into your private paradise.  Paint, decorate, think and lay on your bed and smile, this is you, yours…throw out that old mattress of lies and humiliation and prepare to break in a new one.
  7. If you have kids, don’t trash your DD.  I KNOW, I KNOW, so incredibly tempting, especially if his evil ways seep into how he treats the kids, in hopes of making you miserable.  Be present to your children, be ready to answer their questions with fact, even if it is showing them your divorce papers (when they are ready).  They do come around to reality – be there to catch them as they drop.
  8. Find a way to laugh every day.

Most importantly, know that you are amazing.  I realize how hypocritical that is of me, since I struggle with seeing what I bring to the world, yet bolster others as often as I can.  The stress of your marriage could have killed you, but it didn’t.  Your best revenge is no revenge, it is allowing yourself to be loved again and allowing yourself to love another.

Happy Could-Have-Been 20th Anniversary to me, a confusing, swirling, swishing day.  I see something sprouting though, on the horizon and I wish that for you, too.