I look at this picture and feel nothing. I am almost healed.
People ask, how did you stay so long? Well, he had me good. He had me right where he needed me to be. He is an expert. He knows all the right things to say, at all the right moments.
This picture is in Oklahoma. We came to attend my 3rd son’s completion ceremony from Army basic training. It is the first Friday in September 2016.
I had sent this man away just a few months before. I wanted the relationship to be over. He went. He lived with his step mother for 8 weeks during the summer.
He talked himself back into my life:
- When we are on, we are amazing (It had been a year since we were “on”)
- You’re a therapist, therapists help people to change, how can you not believe I can change?
- Look at all the amazing changes I’ve made. Even my mom noticed.
- We’ve been together almost 4 years and you want to throw that away?
He returns August 15th. Our four year anniversary of the day we met is August 18th. He has absolutely nothing for me:
- “You sent me away, it’s all I could think about, how hard that was on me”
- “The date came up so fast I didn’t have time”
- “There I go again, not meeting your expectations” (hangs head)
- “I haven’t been able to do anything because the pain has been so high, you know that.”
- “I just haven’t had the time to get you anything”
He grabs his car keys and says he has to run out.
“Where are you going?”
“Meghan is out of Cannabis. She is in a lot of pain. I’m running to the bank and then I have to run to Carl’s and then I’m going to meet Meghan.”
“I thought you were in pain and didn’t have time to do anything.”
“Really? I’m helping someone and you’re going to criticize me?”
“That isn’t nice, is it, Mommy?” my son with an iq of 55 says to me. 55. Even he knows how to treat people you love.
Back to the picture. Ten days later he is in Oklahoma in a pool on my dime. Never once does he open his wallet.
I realize now that he moved back in with me in August 2016 with no intention of staying together. His goal was to use as much as possible and then watch me break down and send him away for good. He has orchestrated his victimhood like an elegant maestro. He has moved on to his next prey.
Imagine if that brain and heart were used only for good? It is a pity that he lost so much love. It was right here the entire time, but he could not live in it and receive or give.
I still have that love. I keep it close to me, waiting for the right person who will receive and reciprocate. I don’t know what he has and fortunately I no longer have to be involved.