tales from the surviving straight spouse

Just to Be Clear

I was never upset that DD was gay.  It NEVER has been or will be about him being gay.  I filed for divorce because of lying and manipulation.  He controlled our sex life for over a decade – when, where and how.  If he couldn’t get an erection it was because of me – always because of me.  He used my history of sexual abuse to make me think that I was sexually damaged.  He used the belief of the Catholic Church to insist I do not use birth control.  I am the carrier for a developmental disability.  When I made the decision to get a tubal ligation he told me that I was selfish and sinning.  I was never comfortable with many things about the Catholic Church – but I felt that I could stay involved and work for change – because I am comfortable with the primary message and that is love one another as you love yourself.

My brother is gay.  I watched my parents alienate him.  I watched their relationship blow up to a point of no repair.  I blame the teaching of the Catholic Church.  It is ironic that my brother is punished for his honesty and I suffered because of DD’s lying.  Will our society ever learn anything?

To be clear – and in summation – this blog is not about the evils of being gay – because that is not evil.  It is about the evils of self-loathing. lying and manipulation.  I still love DD.  It is a love that is based on pity.  I see someone wasting his life with hate – doing everything he can to pull me down (I’ll get to that) because I blew his cover – I would not continue to be his “I have a wife, so of course I’m straight” spouse.

I bet you imagine a lonely man, whiling his hours away at home sulking – actually –  DD has a rich life with a partner and many friends.  He travels with his partner, he has him over four nights a week – he goes to the theater, is in a tennis league, visits museums, dines out 4 nights a week – and owns at least 20 books on how to find personal happiness.  It is that last part that makes me pity him and try to only show him love.  He has bought almost every religious book on finding happiness that I can think of – and still with all that research – all those things and activities – he is restless and miserable.  I wish him peace – I wish him a genuine smile.

If he had told me he was bisexual from the beginning – I would have married him anyways.  Then we could have been at the same starting gate for our marriage.  Instead, I was lied to for years and left believing that I was a failure as a wife to him.

Comments on: "Just to Be Clear" (2)

  1. MANIPULTION and th LIES are a way of life for the “gay- bisexual” person. How can they know any different??????????????????? I! I AM STRAIGHT They don’t care about anything else except to find their own way in what they think is a wrong way of life (Being straight) They don’t understand being straight anymore than we know about being gay!!!. Why waste your time and love?

    • I would hate to make a generalization about anyone who is gay or bisexual. I do think that anyone who has become comfortable with entering into a covenant without revealing the entire truth to the other party is able lie and may continue to lie to cover their tracks.

      Most of my friends who are gay don’t view gay or straight as wrong. I think it is just who we are, who we are born to be.

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