tales from the surviving straight spouse

The Manifestation of Daddy Dildo

“How did Daddy Dildo get his name?” you ask.  I’d be happy to answer that question!

The following story is a tiny tidbit of the world I live in – but significantly reflects the daily unreal encounters and conversations I have with my sons and their father.  Conversations that just aren’t in the normal experience of the Average Joe.  Of course, I fool myself into thinking there is such a thing as an Average Joe.  A bitch can dream, can’t she?

So, a few years ago before various visitation schedule changes, I would try to get one-on-one time with each of my sons – an excellent idea that was their father’s.  That would be a chance to share a moment that wasn’t drowned out by the chaos of the sum of all four siblings.  I mean ‘chaos’ in the most dearest of terms.  I have learned to grow in chaos – kind of like those creatures that were discovered in the Mariana Trench.

In December 2010, I was out with son #3 at our favorite vegetarian restaurant Green House eating delicious non meat goodies.

He looked at me very seriously and said, “I need to tell you something, but I don’t know how to.”

That face, that elvish sweet face was so full of concern.  I hate that part of my life – the part that has son #3 thinking about things that a kid should just not have to think about.

He whispered “I found a dildo  in Dad’s drawer.  It was orange.”

I wonder how many more times I will have to continue to keep a poker face when having a conversation about the boys’ father.  Did he just say Dildo?  Dad’s dildo?  Why the hell am I talking about my ex-husband’s dildo with my son?  There are so many times I just want to scream What the FUCK did he do this time?  I know that speaking my mind like that is going to only hurt the boys.  As much as I get angry with their father, I wouldn’t want to damage the boys.

“Really?  How did that happen?  What did daddy say?” straight face, straight face, straight face.

“Well, I lost my little book of writings and I thought I left it on Daddy’s dresser.  When I went to look, his drawer was open and I thought maybe it fell in the drawer.  I went to look  in his drawer and then I found it.”

“How did you know what it was?”

“Daddy told me it is called a Dildo.  He was really mad at first and started yelling at me – then he found out how I found it.   He said it is something that guys used to put in girl’s vaginas.”

Okay.  Now, I’m eating.  Please – can’t I just go out to dinner with my son?  All I wanted was a simple easy dinner that would be full of laughter and fun.  Instead I am talking about my ex husband’s dildo and the stories he tells our son.

“That may be true for some men, but honestly – most guys don’t have dildos to use with women – think about it – they already have the real thing.  Why would they need a substitute?”

I’m getting irritated.  Isn’t it enough that I have to dodge all of the fucking questions?  Isn’t it enough that I’ve said for the past four years “Daddy and I just couldn’t work it out” with a thin smile and a quick change of subject.  I am tired of covering for him.  I am tired of all the games, all the crap and the constant “Daddy bought me a new blah blah blah”, “Daddy took us to blah blah blah” , “We went out to eat all weekend”  I want to shout, now,  “How about Daddy is a fucking phony, manipulative liar who will charm an old woman out of her last dime – even if his pocket is full of change – just because it’s so good to be in control.”
Instead, I stuff my mouth with tofu, broccoli and black bean sauce.  I ask about school, about wrestling, about girls, about ANY thing, but Daddy’s orange dildo.  Please, anything.  My mind at this point is simmering with negativity.  I dig deep for love…I am scraping the bottom.

Son #3 looks at me somberly.

“I figured it out.  I know why you and Daddy divorced.”

“Really, why?”

“Because Daddy was having sex with other women.”

Ahhhh.  That sweet moment where I can make a funny.  It will be a funny that only I know is a funny -and of course, you will, too.  I look intensely in son #3’s eyes and say,

“I can say unequivocally that your father was not having sex with other WOMEN.”

I do my best to emphasize women.  He looks frustrated.   He’s been asking for the REAL story for about four years now.  Though, I felt this would have been the perfect time for his father to come clean and stop living a lie – he did not.  It saddens me,  I worry about secrets and lies – they have damage a family and ours was already broken.

“When are you going to tell me why you two divorced?”

“When you are ready – and I think you are on your way.”

He raises his eyebrows, inhales sharply through his nose, lets loose a heavy sigh and shoves some broccoli in his mouth.

And that my friends, is the manifestation of Daddy Dildo, a/k/a DD.  The phrase was invented by Magnificent Excellent Lady Lawyer Of the West – aka Mellow – when she heard the story – it just came to her naturally to see the humor.  She is the best – her heart has more volume that the Grand Canyon – and her hilarious alterations keep me afloat.

Comments on: "The Manifestation of Daddy Dildo" (9)

  1. felixfemina said:

    Testing 1234??? 🙂

  2. Just me said:

    When I started to read your outtakes, that Scream picture that recently sold for a gazillion bucks was imbedded into my face. Couldn’t say much less think. Stephen King has nothing on you. This one though grooves to a different style and – – for extra bonus points – – is fantastically well written to boot!!! And here I thought DD was just an honorary title. You keep going girl and you’ll end up like that lady who wrote Harry Potter. Can’t burn the money fast enough and, hopefully, putting in a bid on eBay to adopt another ‘child’. It’s not that you may need a babysitter or someone to dictate your world class books to. It’s just that I want to find out my market value. If not that, then at least buy a Lear jet to take the kids to see some decent ballgames around the world. And ohhhhhh… don’t for get the Cricket World Cup in New Zealand and Australia is just around the corner in 2015!!!!

  3. felixfemina said:

    I love the little sea creature slithering across the page, snort. 🙂 Heh. Nice one.

  4. Jeanie Calenoff said:

    I love your blog.

  5. Just me said:

    Can I fly? That is, in the driver’s seat? They usually won’t let me. Something about not seeing colors or some such nonsense. I think “The Manifestation of Daddy Dildo” is more than a wonderful chapter title. Please give serious consideration for it being the your first book title. DD could chip in opening remarks in the dedication. Or, just his opening remarks at his trial might suffice.

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